(play) NEWS CLIP AUDIO
Mike J/Tom Broke-Jaw: Good evening, I’m Tom Broke-Jaw
CindyWar/Diane Voyeur: And I’m Diane Voyeur. Welcome to the KOLD NEWS.
Mike J/Tom Broke-Jaw: Cody city officials announced they will be holding a free ice cream social next month to commemorate the removal of Cody’s largest eyesore – the water slide. The event will be held at the base of the jail’s new communication tower.
CindyWar/Diane Voyeur: Ina Avenue residents petitioned the city council to unblock the end of their road today. They said that as much as they hated watching traffic speed through their neighborhood it was even worse watching that line of 9ers sit in their cars waiting for the planters to turn green.
Mike J/Tom Broke-Jaw: More budget cuts at the city. Effective immediately, police officers will patrol on horseback, citizens will empty their own dumpsters, and to save utilities, city council meetings will now be held in the electronics department at Wal-Mart. If you have any comments about the new procedures, you can share them with Laurie Kadrich on Monday afternoons while she’s mowing the lawn at Glendale Park.
CindyWar/Diane Voyeur: NASA scientists have finished their study of the comet dust returned by that probe. It turns out the universe is far older than expected – nearly the same age as Al Simpson.
Mike J/Tom Broke-Jaw: In an effort to compete with the many Dollar Stores springing up in Cody, downtown merchants are responding with a clever idea called Nothing Stores. The stores have no inventory, no employees, no signage and anything you find inside costs absolutely nothing. The concept is so popular along Sheridan Avenue that 6 different merchants have converted to Nothing Stores in the past few months.
CindyWar/Diane Voyeur: A Powell, Wyoming high school student has won the contest to create a new
city slogan. The new slogan is: “Powell Wyoming, DNA proves we’re one big happy family.”
Runner up slogans included:
“Powell, Wyoming: as exciting as Emblem, but without the crowds,”
And, “Powell, Wyoming: Who’s your daddy?”
Mike J/Tom Broke-Jaw: Last month the United States Geological Center reported a 4.2 earthquake in Riverside Cemetery centered just 6 feet below the surface. This happened the same day it was announced that Bruce McCormack would lead the one-cent sales tax initiative. Earthquake Center officials said it turns out the two events were related and it was just Bud Webster turning in his grave.
CindyWar/Diane Voyeur: This just in. The Energizer Bunny was arrested this morning after he was found lying on a city sidewalk. He was released after officials charged him with Battery.
Mike J/Tom Brokejaw: The police had to be called in to direct traffic at a Lovell gas station yesterday. Lovell residents lined up all the way to Basin after an innovative station owner lowered his price from $3 a gallon to just 75 cents a quart.
CindyWar/Diane Voyeur: The city council voted to continue funding the COLT bus for another year. Said councilman Jim Vanamen, “I hate to disappoint all those loyal customers who ride the bus. If we canceled that program, they’d BOTH have to walk to work.”
Mike J/Tom Brokejaw: Cody Theatre Manager Mac Frost recently refused to show the new movie “Brokeback Railroad.” Frost explained his rational by pointing out that the stars of the movie only like sex on trains and he didn’t think Cody was ready for a movie about HOBO-sexuals.
Cindy War/Diane Voyeur: We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a live report from South Texas where we are following Vice President Cheney.
(Vice President Cheney Hunting Sight Gag Here)
(curtain opens)
(VP in hunting vest with shotgun near stage left. Ten Rotarians stage right rear in group. Jim Sulgrove/VP (walks
slowly, shotgun ready)
VP swings gun around once and all Rotarians duck
Bill R/1 of 10: “BIRD!!!”
(Audio clip of shotgun blast plays)
All Rotarians fall dead after shotgun blast from VP
(Curtain closes)
Mike J/Tom Brokejaw: Well, I guess we just found out who was hiding those weapons of mass destruction.
CindyWar/Diane Voyeur: Back to local news…Cody Chamber Director Gene Bryan was in Washington this week talking up his proposal to reintroduce native wildlife into major east coast metropolitan areas. Said Bryan, “We’ve graciously accepted your wolf and grizzly bear demands so I see no reason why you shouldn’t accept our plan to reintroduce rattlesnakes into New York City.”
Mike J/Tom Brokejaw: Home improvement expert Bob Villa will host a new FOX reality show. A group of married plastic surgeons will compete to see who can best remodel their wife’s face. The new show will be called “This Old Spouse.”
CindyWar/Diane Voyeur: A group of farmers marched on the offices of First National Bank in Powell today. They were upset because their loan interest rates have risen a quarter point for 14 consecutive review periods. In an effort to rectify the situation, the Powell farmers demanded that the bank reduce their savings account interest rates an equal amount.
Mike J/Tom Brokejaw: Ace Hardware announced it has hired former Heart Mountain Irrigation District supervisor Jim Flowers to be their national spokesman. Ace officials say that after only two weeks on the job, shovel sales are going through the roof. Sales are so good the company has changed it’s slogan to: “Ace is the place with the helpless water man.”
CindyWar/Diane Voyeur: Recreation Director Rob Schoeber recently announced the 29th consecutive membership discount to attract everyone in Park County who does not yet have a Rec Center membership. Said Schoeber, “This is our best offer yet and if this doesn’t get those last seven hold-outs, nothing will.”
Mike J/Tom Brokejaw: The Cody Economic Development Council announced its recruitment
efforts have succeeded in bringing a large religious school to Cody. The sect believes in the
healing power of ice cream and will meet at Dairy Queen where they will hold SUNDAE services.
Said CEDC president Jake Fulkerson, “Initially we got a chilly reception. But after a Blizzard
of activity and a few Royal Treats, we gained the commitment of his royal highness himself,
The Dilly Llama.”
CindyWar/Diane Voyeur: The Cody Enterprise recently printed a correction about the story they
ran reporting that a Park County judge had given police officers the authority to collect fines at
the scene of the crime. The Enterprise apologized for the error and said no authority was given
and no fines would be collected by officers.
The Enterprise went on to list other errors in the story. The location wasn’t really Park County,
Wyoming but Pamona, California, the judge should have been identified as a night club singer, the
police force mentioned turned out to be a group of bird watchers and there was no fine but there
WAS a fire.
Nevvvveeeerrrrrer mind.
Mike J/Tom Brokejaw: The CIA announced that the recently released tape of Usama Bin Laden is a fake. After careful study and translation, operatives discovered the man in the tape is actually Ira Fellows demanding the City of Cody do something about the fly problem at the rodeo.
CindyWar/Diane Voyeur: After hearing that a museum paid $25,000 to charity for William Shatner’s kidney stone, Dewey Vanderhoff and Frank Alvarado announced they would donate any future kidney stones for a similar amount. In a strange twist, $35,000 was raised for the Cody Cupboard when Roger Sedam donated the money in exchange for Doug McMillan CAUSING kidney stones in the men.
Mike J/Tom Brokejaw: And finally…
In an effort to copy the Cody Rotary Club, the Cody Lions Club decided to mulch Christmas trees
as a community service project. The Rotary mulching went fine but paramedics had to be called to the
Lion’s event when spectators were hit by aluminum shrapnel after one of the artificial trees flew
from the shredder.
Play: NEWS AUDIO CLIP
Mike J/Tom Brokejaw: That concludes our news! Goodnight!
CindyWar/Diane Voyeur: Goodnight everyone!