Business names and advertising slogans you'll never see

Perfume for those in comas: Autumn Missed.

Ron Howard becomes a gynecologist: OPIE/GYN

Retired Marine veterinarian: Distemper Fi

Bob Villa becomes a plastic surgeon and remodels faces: "This Old Spouse"

Backpacking company: "Our guides won't hike up your dress."

Weight Gainers Anonymous: "A man's home is his casserole."

Saddam Hussein's chain of pen and pencil stores: Office Despot

Marv Albert's and Kathy Lee Gifford's cruise line: "Carnivore Cruises."

Airline for the bladder-challenged: inContinental

Mercedes: King-o-Saaby

Hershey: Our chocolate makes women more confectionate.

Florida retirement community: EmBalm Beach

Hostess Twinkie machine gun: Ooozie.

Rejected state motto: "Missouri loves company."

Most disgusting sporting event: The Boston Marathong.

Witch doctor in-store marketing: "Attention K-mart Shamans…"

Michelope: what happens after one too many beers.

Door to door cereal company: Mary Special K

If "Great Gatsby" author was still alive: F. Scott FitzGeritol

OJ's new magazine: Beater Homes & Dardens

If the military named their troops honestly: Latrine Berets.

Birth control pills: "Who you tryin to kid?"

Madonna: "Wonderfully sweet, yet a little Tart"

Restaurant owned by famous vegetarians: Plantit Hollywood

Domestic servants: "We proudly wear the Maid in America label."

July 4th incontinence Ball: "Come to our InDependsDance."

Southern restaurant: "Our cooks refuse to abolish savory."

Stables: "Our boarded-nay makes a fine after dinner equine."

Cocaine dealer: "Just say nose to drugs."

Health club: "This year, buy your wife a precious gym."

Korean McDonalds: "Try our Quarter-Hounder"

Towing company: "We're in the Guinness Book of world wreckers"

Viagra evangelists: "Join our group of born again pistons."

Interplanetary Marines: "Semper Sci-Fi"

Annette Bening's biography: "Warren Piece."

Bicycle shop software: Schwinndows98