© 1998 Mike Johnson
Just Plain Punny
Sticker on pickles: "Objects in jar are kosher than they appear."
There are two constants in Wyoming: Death & taxidermy.
J.D. Salinger sequel for the obese: "Catch Her in the Pie"
Arson arrests without warning: Spontaneous come-bust-ya.
Forgetful seamstresses keep repleating themselves.
Laziest actress on Spielberg film: Herassis Parked.
Disaster at the vegetable cloning laboratory: A Spare Gus.
Eskimo cleavage is often the result of their Tundrabras.
Who do you call if your Spaghettios make you sick? Chef Lawyer-D.
What you call an editor who rejects your work for using the same
words too often:
The Saur Ass.
All paperback book editors are spineless.
Jack Lord finally arrests the cannibal killer: "Cook em, Dano."
Slinky dresses lead to off-spring.
Assassination at the pipe factory: Liquidate Plumber.
I had to get rid of my three-toed cat. I'm lack toes intolerant.
Kansas insurance agent: "I'm sorry, but your car is Totoed."
Having a maid is an ElectroLuxury.
60's pop band hired for the podiatrist convention: 'The Captain &
Toenail."
If you give your horse too much liquor he will decanter.
I'm so mechanically challenged I thought a Phillips head was caused
by
drinking too many screwdrivers.
Alien in negligée: Flying Saucey.
Authors with low standards have their work displayed in barns &
Mobils.
Is the Bahama Tribune delivered by paper buoys?
Solution creme: lubrican't
After revealing his BeeGees collection, Ed was discoqualified from
the trivia contest.
OJ: The artist who formerly left his prints.
Do shipwrecked hookers send messages in a brothel?
Prince Charles: Error to the Throne.
Camillia is the only one who has ever seen Prince Charles slightly
out of
kilter.
In food, men love leftovers. In women, men love rightovers.
The Justice Department blames the changing climate there on El
Reno.
How do you know your spouse is pudding you on? She gets all
Jello-dramatic.
Snoopy in a Madrid clinic: ill-beagle alien
Arsonists who watch their handiwork from inside the building: Chair
idiots of fire.
Boss who reneges on your vacation: Benefit Arnold.
I keep all my column rejection letters in a column-lost-to-me bag
Viagra toy action figure: G.I. Gro
Egotist: I never slept with the statue of liberty but she still
carries a torch for me.
Religious gossiper: Blabtist.
Super Priest's arch nemesis: Lex Lutheran.
Because of Frank Sinatra's unexpected death, astronomers are now
watching Wayne Newton very closely. They don't want to miss another
crooner eclipse.
Bachelor cooking: Burning the midnight foil.
Virgin writers are sellibate.
I was so broke when married, I had to take my wife on a moneysoon.
Have your paupers call my paupers. We'll steal lunch.
Selfish nutritionist: What's yours is thiamine and what's thiamine is
mine.
Fox Mulder, baseball scout: "The Ruth is Out There"
Scully's bra: Over the shoulder Mulder holder.
Jimmy Durante predictions for future: Nostril Damn Us
She's so cute the tea kettle whistles at her
Grand Poobah of Dairy Queen: The Dilly Llama
If Ward Cleaver was a pharmacist: Aleve it to Beaver
Drunk weathermen give the temperature in seltzerus
Yarn stick: What a man measures himself with.
Endwarfins: short energy bursts.
Lusty female photographer: ontoparazzi
Poor writers start every story: Once upon a dime...
I have a 56k mind stuck in a 28.8 baud
Love poetry: The smitten word.
Titanic: the all time greatest one-liner
Writers digest, publishers regurgitate.
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