© 1998 Mike Johnson

Just Plain Punny


  • Sticker on pickles: "Objects in jar are kosher than they appear."

  • There are two constants in Wyoming: Death & taxidermy.

  • J.D. Salinger sequel for the obese: "Catch Her in the Pie"

  • Arson arrests without warning: Spontaneous come-bust-ya.

  • Forgetful seamstresses keep repleating themselves.

  • Laziest actress on Spielberg film: Herassis Parked.

  • Disaster at the vegetable cloning laboratory: A Spare Gus.

  • Eskimo cleavage is often the result of their Tundrabras.

  • Who do you call if your Spaghettios make you sick? Chef Lawyer-D.

  • What you call an editor who rejects your work for using the same words too often:
    The Saur Ass.

  • All paperback book editors are spineless.

  • Jack Lord finally arrests the cannibal killer: "Cook em, Dano."

  • Slinky dresses lead to off-spring.

  • Assassination at the pipe factory: Liquidate Plumber.

  • I had to get rid of my three-toed cat. I'm lack toes intolerant.

  • Kansas insurance agent: "I'm sorry, but your car is Totoed."

  • Having a maid is an ElectroLuxury.

  • 60's pop band hired for the podiatrist convention: 'The Captain & Toenail."

  • If you give your horse too much liquor he will decanter.

  • I'm so mechanically challenged I thought a Phillips head was caused by drinking too many screwdrivers.

  • Alien in negligée: Flying Saucey.

  • Authors with low standards have their work displayed in barns & Mobils.

  • Is the Bahama Tribune delivered by paper buoys?

  • Solution creme: lubrican't

  • After revealing his BeeGees collection, Ed was discoqualified from the trivia contest.

  • OJ: The artist who formerly left his prints.

  • Do shipwrecked hookers send messages in a brothel?

  • Prince Charles: Error to the Throne.

  • Camillia is the only one who has ever seen Prince Charles slightly out of kilter.

  • In food, men love leftovers. In women, men love rightovers.

  • The Justice Department blames the changing climate there on El Reno.

  • How do you know your spouse is pudding you on? She gets all Jello-dramatic.

  • Snoopy in a Madrid clinic: ill-beagle alien

  • Arsonists who watch their handiwork from inside the building: Chair idiots of fire.

  • Boss who reneges on your vacation: Benefit Arnold.

  • I keep all my column rejection letters in a column-lost-to-me bag

  • Viagra toy action figure: G.I. Gro

  • Egotist: I never slept with the statue of liberty but she still carries a torch for me.

  • Religious gossiper: Blabtist.

  • Super Priest's arch nemesis: Lex Lutheran.

  • Because of Frank Sinatra's unexpected death, astronomers are now watching Wayne Newton very closely. They don't want to miss another crooner eclipse.

  • Bachelor cooking: Burning the midnight foil.

  • Virgin writers are sellibate.

  • I was so broke when married, I had to take my wife on a moneysoon.

  • Have your paupers call my paupers. We'll steal lunch.

  • Selfish nutritionist: What's yours is thiamine and what's thiamine is mine.

  • Fox Mulder, baseball scout: "The Ruth is Out There"

  • Scully's bra: Over the shoulder Mulder holder.

  • Jimmy Durante predictions for future: Nostril Damn Us

  • She's so cute the tea kettle whistles at her

  • Grand Poobah of Dairy Queen: The Dilly Llama

  • If Ward Cleaver was a pharmacist: Aleve it to Beaver

  • Drunk weathermen give the temperature in seltzerus

  • Yarn stick: What a man measures himself with.

  • Endwarfins: short energy bursts.

  • Lusty female photographer: ontoparazzi

  • Poor writers start every story: Once upon a dime...

  • I have a 56k mind stuck in a 28.8 baud

  • Love poetry: The smitten word.

  • Titanic: the all time greatest one-liner

  • Writers digest, publishers regurgitate.

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