© 1998 Mike Johnson

Top Five Lists


  • Top five reasons why Saddam Hussein will go scot-free


    5. Those pictures of Clinton dancing sheik to sheik

    4. Saddam’s threat: "If I can’t get Chelsea, I’m going to bagh Dad."

    3. Weapons of mass destruction cause Middle yEast infections

    2. Battle name too wimpy: Dessert Cart Storm

    1. Iraq is the only supplier of presidential Oil-of-oh-Lay

  • Top Five rejection lines from the International Dateline


    5. "I’ll think about it. Call me yesterday."

    4. "I can’t. I have to wax with Future."

    3. "Saturday night? Sorry, I’ll be washing my harem."

    2. "I don’t have time."

    1. "Where was I yesterday?! Dohhh! I was there tomorrow!"

  • Top five reasons why no one likes winter in Minnesota


    5. Tundrabras.

    4. Those unsightly ice cream displays in front yards.

    3. You are what you heat.

    2. Risk of Marv Albert giving you frost bite.

    1. "Is that a pocket warmer or are you just happy to see me?"

  • Top five reasons MIR cosmonauts will never come down


    5. There is no gravity, Russia merely sucks.

    4. Cosmonaut marksmen can't hit the side of a continent.

    3. Embarrassing changes in cosmonauts' physique: Last supply shipment sent estrogen instead of oxygen.

    2. Broke Russian government traded cosmonauts' homes for last load of supplies.

    1. Bill Clinton isn't through with their women.

  • Why the anti-smoking bill will never pass


    5. That Tobacco Bell ad campaign with Joe Chihuahua.

    4. That loophole that allows teen-aged White House interns to smoke after sex.

    3. President's desire to create another Camel lot.

    2. No one wants to tell congress they can no longer get "Lucky"

    1. Newt Gingrich doesn't have the right snuff.

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