Words to live by

When bungee jumping, never forget that "Bungee" is French for "measure rope again."

Never give your stallion Viagra. You can't libido a dead horse.

Keep your options open. Even Scarlet O'Hare kept a Yankee noodle handy.

Never buy your spider at a used char lotte.

You can never wrongly accuse the sober because there is no proof.

When luck meets preparedness, opportunity gets knocked up.

Your enemy's enema is your friend.

Never cook meatloaf on your first date, unless you want to become a one-night-bland.

You'll live long and prosper as long as you honor the three building blocks of the universe: Hydrogen, oxygen & estrogen.

There would be much less sickness if people just got out of their genes.

Never date twins. It leads to nibbling rivalries.

The optimist always sees what the pessimissed.

Divorced with kids? If you want your sexual relationship to remain discrete, never sleep with a single parrot.

Never try to pick up a hooker. You'll be charged with voluntary man-bought-her.

A diamond gets a girl's best end.

Women always know when you are watching sports because they have ESP'n.

Always pay the exorcist first or he'll repossess your kid.

When visiting your psychic, never strike a happy medium.

Zinc twice before ingesting strange chemicals.

Mimic Superman's motto: Avoid kryptonite or get ziptonite.

Never withhold chocolate from a woman. She'll get a least confection.

All success is 80% marketing, 19% luck, 8% talent and 16% mathematics.

Neurotic is better than faroutic.

Real men always QuakeHer Oats in the morning.

Words are the octane that create the combustion of feeling and message that power the soul. Your smileage may vary.

Spam is best served with Milk of Amnesia.

Walking on water is merely a matter of degrees.

Always be wary of dentists who offer toofer one deals.

Real weathermen never take Noah for an answer.